It began with severe depression although I had been taking Effexor for a couple years.  I woke up one morning and was so down there didn’t seem to be any up.  Then the physical symptoms began – pain in all my muscles, tingling in my skin ALL OVER, deep burning pain my my left forearm, numbness in my left outermost 2 fingers and loss of strength.  I could not hear certain voice frequencies, especially men’s voices, nothing tasted right, smells overwhelmed me.  I thought it was one of my medications, but not knowing which one I quit them all cold-turkey. 

I know now that what I was experiencing was anti-depressant tolerance, when the medication just stops working.  And then quitting it cold, threw me into a withdrawal comparable to, no worse than, going off street drugs.  My doctors had no clue and were sure that this was all just depression with new added anxiety attacks.  I knew it was not that at all. 

After a couple months of the withdrawal starting,  I saw a new psychiatrist who put me on a cocktail of drugs for depression and anxiety.  Within a week, most of my symptoms had subsided, except the overall body pain and the stabbing, burning pain in my left forearm, and the weakness and numbness in my left fingers.  It took a month for the overall body pain to gradually diminish.  The other pains lingered until 2006.

On November 1st, 2006 I again woke up with unrelenting depression despite having been on Cymbalta for a couple years.  After a week, I quit Cymbalta cold-turkey, again not realizing that I was dealing with anti-depressant tolerance, again not realizing that I was throwing myself into withdrawal.  My psychiatrist put me on Celexa and despite revving up the dose over the next 2 months, my depression worsened.

In Jan 2007 I had begun a new job – one I did not much care for going in – I had to take a 35K cut in pay to get reliable work with health insurance, rather than doing IT contract work.  After leaving work each afternoon, I would go to my car and sit and weep until I could pull myself together to drive home.  By mid-January, this became too much.  I was hyperventilating in addition to the constant weeping.  I turned myself in to the nearest psych ward. 

In the pscy ward I learned alot – not to give up, to keep trying to make things better for myself, to keep hoping I would feel better soon.  Th e new mix of psych drugs the hospital put me on worked Ok enough so I was back at work, like a real trooper, within 6 days.  I still had depreesion and heart palpitations, but over the next few months it became manageable. 

 What was not manageable was my exhaustion.  I couldn’t get enough sleep despite taking Ambien CR every nite since the previous Fall of 2006.  And I couldn’t quite wake up all day either.  My cognitive situation was deteriorating significantly.  I had trouble following even simple directions, had to take constant notes of everything I did so I would not lose track of what I was doing.  This was not like me at all !!!  And my job was one I was not at all suiteed for – it calls for an anal-retentive accountant personality which is NOT me….

Finally I took my primary doctor’s advice and was retested for Obstructive Sleep Apnea.  My resulting sleep study showed I was dealing with an average blood oxygen  level of 78% and dipping as low as 50% several times a nite.  Also hey diagnosed Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, clocking mu kicking at once per minute every minute all nite long.  By the beginning of July I was armed with a spanking new CPC machine which I have used almost unfailing since.  And by mid-August, my exhaustion was clearing and my cognitive skills returning.

Except something was still not right.  I was still tired and began having muscle pain upon waking almost every morning.  My sleep doctor tried me on several medications to reduce the PLMD, in hopes it would help me sleep even better.  Unfortuately, the side effects of these drugs were too much and I quit them after only a couple days on each.

The first week of September I again crashed with unrelenting depression and a return of the stabbing pain in my left forearm, numbness and tingling in my left fingers worse than ever before accompanied by pinching pains in my left bicep and now a vibratino-like tremoring that moved up my legs eventually sttling in my torso after a couple weeks.  Due to health insurance issues, I had to find another psychiatrist.  I went to one who was highly recommended.  He decided that maybe I needed a boost in my serotonin so added a very low dose of Buspar. 

My pains continued into the following weeks.  Then the last Sunday In September I passed out cold walking from my bedroom to the kitchen.  My son called the paramedics who thought it was my thyroid.  The next day I got an emergency appointment to see an endocrinologist.  I never did see him that day since I passed out again while the nurse was doing my intake interview.  I ended up in the hospital over night wehre they diagnosed heart arhymia due to serotonin syndrome.  They said quit the Buspar.  The pain continued and I went on a Short-Term Diasability from my job.  Since I had no protection by the FMLA having been on the job for less than 12 months, I worked 5 hour days which was a physical strain. By mid-month, I had tapered off Cymbalta ver quickly throwing me into what now the doctors recognize as withdrawal.  During that month I had just about every test imaginable done to figure out what was causing me to experince so much pain. 

This is my first post.  It is Thanksgiving Day.  I am feeling thankful for what I have – a job that pays my bills and provides me with health insurance, a roof over my head, books, TV and internet for knowledge and entertainment, friends and family who listen to me.

Today is a day full of regrets too.  Regrets that I haven’t watched out for myself better, that I have trusted other people that did not earn nor deserve my trust, that I have not trsuted myself more when my gut has spoken loudly to me.

Just 2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with a painful, auto-immune disease called Polymyalgia Rheumatica.  I am 59 years old.  The average age of onset of this disease is 70.  I won’t die from it, but my life has become one of constant pain and frustration that my body does not pay attention to what I want anymore.  It hurts to sit, lie down, stand and walk – what else is there??  I go to the warm water pool at the Y hoping it will soothe my muscles and my spirit, but it does not. I used to love being in the water – now it makes no difference.  Even more frustrating is that the only proven treatment for PMR is prednisone with which my body does not deal well.

 Well, I thought illness can help a person transcend themselves – another myth…